Just to set the record straight, I want you to know I dragged myself, kicking and screaming, to the computer to write today.
Not because of the writing itself, I enjoy that...but because of the topic I, myself, chose. I chose a topic that I really don't want to discuss, let alone with complete strangers.
But, to keep myself accountable and transparent, attributes I believe are important, I'm going to open my soul a bit about the battle with my weight, my personal journey of insanity.
Obviously, by the cartoon, you can see my strong feelings about the scale.
My issues with food and weight began as an adult, after my pregnancies. I am a stress/emotional eater. The main symptoms being mindless grazing and the "lets get fast food because I'm too tired to cook disease".
As I made reference to in an earlier post, I have started m.a.n.y. diet plans. I purchase the books, cookbooks, print out grocery lists, shop for the food, buy new workout clothes....you get the picture.
At the beginning of this new year, social media was flooded with resolutions of people declaring they were going to lose those pesky extra pounds. May I be honest? I do that every couple of months. I arm myself with the latest work out magazines, cut out pictures and buzz words, and make posters and journals and declare, " I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!"
I really do start out great. Then, in a few weeks, I realize I haven't been to the gym, I'm eating a few chips, a little ice cream, a little Taco Bell.
In the fall of 2008, I was at my heaviest. I now had grandchildren. I wanted to be the type of nana that could run, play ball, swing on swings, could get down on the floor to play with with them and get back up again. I was despairing, desperate, and sliding towards depression. I was at my wits end and didn't know what to do.
There was a new trainer in town. I had observed him with his clients at the gym where I was sporadically exercising. I had a couple of friends (not overweight) who suggested we hire him and all three of us would work out at the same time. I agreed to the arrangement and so did he.
Fast forward. I successfully lost forty, of the fifty pounds, I had set as my goal to lose. I couldn't hire a trainer forever. I would now need to continue on my own. And I did, until I added a part time job to my schedule, which eventually became full time...standing on cement all day...and I succumbed to the "I'm too tired to work out" disease.
No surprise, I gained twenty of the forty pounds back.
Here are a few secrets I want to whisper to you about where I am currently in this frustrating journey of mine.
First...I have not given up.
Second... I am not despairing.
Third...my identity no longer encompasses a number on a scale or a jean size.
Fourth....I am doing this for myself to be healthy.
Today, one more time, I picked up my weight-loss journal, pasted in a new calendar for January, wrote my heart encouraging words and I declared...I WILL DO THIS!
Here's something new for me that I have not done previously....I'm giving you permission to check in on me to see how I'm doing. You won't offend me. I need your help and your encouragement...it's that accountability thing I am so adamant about. So, thanks for traveling with me on this crazy journey of mine.
I hear you sister! What healthy is not always easy but we WILL persevere for the sake of those grandkids!
ReplyDeleteCindy
PS: It's ok to talk about yourself even with the hard stuff. :)